Give us strength

Being a mom is tough. Being a mom of kids that lost their dad, just plain sucks sometimes. I don't have all the answers. I wish i did. I wish I knew what to tell Nolan when he asks, "Why can't God let daddy come back? Why did he have to take MY daddy?" Tonight was full of tears. For both of us. He had stayed the night at his uncle's house whom he adores. Unfortunately he hadn't seen him in months. I knew it was going to be hard to come home. He wants a man in his life full time, not part-time. I just don't have the right answers for him. All I know to do is hold him and tell him it will be ok. He's crying as he says, "mama, when am I gonna have a daddy again?" I don't want to have a pity party and say why me but why THEM? How is this fair? I understand that God will bring someone into my life someday but in the process sometimes I don't know what to say. So I said, "Let's just pray right now." So we did. I prayed God would bring him comfort, that he would wrap his arms around him and show him how much love he has for him and that it would be ok. Bring him peace Lord, please. We prayed for a few minutes and we started talking a bit. Then Nolan said, "mama, can you pray again please?" I just want to squish him sometimes. He's got such a good, sweet heart. I hope God gives that sweet heart of his some comfort through the tears.

Long time no post!

I've been meaning to blog but i just haven't. God is ever present in my life and although some things are confusing in my life I always manage to have peace in my heart about everything. God just takes care of us no matter what.

We went to Pine Cove for a week and had a fabulous time! It was so much fun! Well I wont lie, the first day by the time i got all the kids in the cabin and tried to get them ready for bed I wanted to go home. Actually I believe i said outloud, "well....i'm ready to go home." As the kids were screaming bloody murder in the 10x10 room. It was a lot at first. The twins were clingy, always wanting me to hold them both, and at 3 years old and 30 pounds each it gets tiring. As a result I have really toned arms! ;) The twins went to their own thing during certain ours of the day and Nolan went to his age group during that time. The parents got to listen to Dr. Tim Kimmel who was our guest speaker who was fabulous. After the first half of the first day, I went up to him to ask him a few things and after he started responding to my question, I started crying. I was overwhelmed with the thought of trying to raise 3 boys into good Christian men, on my own. Sweet Dr. Kimmel then asked for Dutch to get me all 3 of his books from the camp store and handed them to me. It was really sweet. Although I'm pretty sure he was thinking this lady needs all the help she can get! He then talked to me again after the session, as did his wife and told me that I wouldn't have to raise them alone for long because I wouldn't be single for a long period of time. See? Such a thoughtful man, possibly delusional however. ;) The last day was great. I got to go on a wonderful morning bike ride, zipline (tried to convince Nolan, he did make it to the top, however he was not voluntarily going over the ledge), and do some slingshot swing thingamajig, went horseback riding (my butt was sore for DAYS). That night was carnival night and we ran into a few of the Young Guns! It was so nice to have them meet the boys. Nolan was thrilled and they were so sweet with my guys. Later that evening Dutch (head of camp) came up to me and asked how our week went. I was honest, told him i was so overwhelmed the first few days but we ended up having a fabulous time and made some great friends. He then replied, "Well, I'm glad you had fun because a family anonymously donated and already paid your way to come back next year." At this point my eyes filled up with tears. Pine Cove is such a wonderful place where the counselors are on fire for the Lord, they absolutely love the kids, and love their job serving there. It was a very humbling experience. It was awesome to be able sit in a hammock in quiet and pray and enjoy God's beauty there. Thank you God for the wonderful people there and to generous family that donated to pay our way next year. We can't wait to go back and see our friends again!

The twins have been coming into my bed almost every night. This has resulted in me sleeping even LESS than i already have been. Due to my own laziness of not wanting to deal with the fits that will ensue I've just put up with it up to this point. I wouldn't mind them being in my bed except that Brody has to have his elbows, legs, face..oh right his entire body must be touching me AND sharing my tiny pillow. So as of a few days ago I ordered them big boy twin beds. Because once they get their new beds they are going to stay in their beds ALLLL NIGHT! That's the "plan" anyway. Plan B is to turn the doorknob around so they are locked in all night! Oh yeah....that's happening.

I am off to bed. I will try to write more and...soon. Love to you all. God bless.

How's this for a blessing?

Where do I start? Well...the boys and I needed to downsize. I won't get into details but it was necessary. Luckily we only had to move down the road. My great friend Heather has been helping me. Really, she's been doing all the organizing, scheduling of everything and everyone wanting to come to help me. I love HEATHER. There I said it. She loves me too. :) LOL. She's laughing right now. Anyway....we had set to have people come over Tuesday to help us move everything out. Monday afternoon she gets a call from Kevin at PineCove. For all of you that don't know what Pine Cove is it's a Christian Camp here in Tyler, TX. They have a group of guys called the Young Guns. The Young Guns is a 5-week program at Pine Cove of high school seniors that want to better themselves and in a sense... become men. They are pushed to the limits physically, emotionally and reconnect with God. It's an amazing program I plan on signing my boys up for when the time comes. :) For more info see this video http://www.pinecove.com/video/videoPopup.cfm?videoNum=FC490CA45C

Kevin says he has the Young Guns that are ready to come and help with the move. In fact, FIFTEEN young men show up complete with 2 vehicles and two trailers to help. We already had 1 trailer ready to go. I had no idea they were going to bring trailers. Not only were they ready to work, they were already filthy from a days hard work (they arrived at 630 pm) , complete with poison ivy (they had been chopping logs all day) and ready to go some more. The group leader got out of the car, spoke with us about what we needed done and went back to the vehicles and i'm assuming gave them the rundown. They all got out and just went in the house and started bringing everything out into the trailer. I am not exaggerating when I say in less than TWENTY MINUTES these young men had 3 trailers packed from my house. Not just boxes mind you, they had the beds taken apart and everything! It was so amazing to witness these wonderful young men who were not only humble, kind and hard-working, but WANTING to do what they could to help. We provided them with water, coke and cookies. They seemed to be really excited about the soda so i'm assuming it's not allowed at camp! LOL!

Here they are starting to move stuff....

They moved my entire house in less than 3 hours! I'm talking taken furniture apart and put back together in that amount of time. And even more impressive was we had rented a dolly with furniture straps that they NEVER touched. They lifted everything by hand, as a team. The dresser complete with drawers and clothes, the fridge mostly full....everything...they lifted together as a group, as brothers. What a humbling experience for me. I was so amazed at their generosity and kindness and willingness to help. One guy even asked if i please sit down. Haha. Not really my style with 3 young boys. ;) But the thought was so sweet. To say I am so blessed to have these young men come help me in my time of need. What an amazing group of men. What an awesome example of God's work here. Here's some pics of my angels as I call them but they like to be referred to as ....the Young guns.

My friends made me pose for this ......

Moments with Nolan

As we're sitting down to dinner tonight the following conversation followed. (that totally sounds like I'm introducing a reenactment)

"Mom, did you work today?"
"Yeah I did for a little while, why?"

"Why do you have to work?"
"Well mama has to work to help support us now? Is it weird having mama work now?"

"A little. If you die nobody will take care of us."
"Buddy, of course you would have someone to take care of you. Mama isn't sick. Daddy had something wrong with him that doesn't happen to most people. Most people live a long, long time."

"Well I will. I will take care of me and my brothers."
"If I died, you would have lots of people that would WANT to take care of you. But I don't want you to worry about that. Mama is taking care of us. And God is taking care of all of us. No matter what God will take care of us. You know that right?"

"Are you gonna get married again?"
"Ummmm...maybe someday. Why do you want mama to get married?"

"Yeah. Cause I want another daddy."
"Well buddy, even if I do get married someday, nobody will replace your daddy. It would just be ONE more person to love you. Daddy is still your daddy, just from heaven now." (big smiles)

"Are my brothers and you gonna go to heaven too?"
"Well....Someday."

"Well I don't want to go to heaven."
"Yes you do."

"No, you and my brothers can but I don't believe in God so I won't go to heaven."
"Nolan, I know you believe in God. Are you worried that if you believe in God you'll go to heaven NOW?"

"Yeah."
"Nolan remember we talked about heaven and how Daddy is all better now and that it is a wonderful place that if we believe in God we will get to live forever. You get to see all the people that died before us. Don't you want to meet Jesus in person?"
Big grin now... "Yeah."

"You know I how much I love you right?"
"As big as the planets?"
"How about as big as the universe."
"What's a universe?!"

Abundantly blessed

To say I'm blessed is an understatement. Let me just explain the last week and a half. Molly called me and said that Kay from the church office called her and said that something was coming in the mail. I smiled thinking it was a little gift of some sort, ie a bible or i don't know...something like that. A few days later I get a check for $1500. All the check says is "Love Gift". Now I know Kay most likely knows who this person(s) is but apparantly they want to remain anonymous. There's more.....a few days later I see Meredith while taking Nolan to vacation bible school.
She says, "ummmm, have you checked your email this morning?" I
"No, not yet."
"Well when I got home yesterday there was an envelope under my door with your name on it."
"Really?"
"Yes, and in it was a check for $2ooo!"
"WHAT?!! Who would be giving me $2000?!"
She starts explaining that this is a man who also lost his father when he was 9 and he wanted to reach out to me and my family. He doesn't want a thank you or a card, he just wants me to have it. Seriously....I don't know what to say OTHER than thank you. It really is so amazing how God is taking care of the boys and I. Just simply amazing. The thing that is even neater is that everyone else around us sees it too, and I know that's exactly what God wants. Ok, fast forward to yesterday. Nolan and I had dentist appointments. I had purchased a discount dental plan through fittingly http://www.dentalplans.com/ (I highly recommend this, super savings!) Anyway....we had our appointment, Nolan was a rockstar. He was so brave, went back all by himself like the big boy that he is. Dr. Kitt wanted to seal 2 of his molars due to a spot. We finish our appointments and I hand the lady my generic piece of paper that is supposed to be my "dental card". It looked real official. She copied it and said she would submit it to the insurance company and handed it back to me. I, slightly embarassed, tell her sweetly (as the card states in big BOLD letters) "Oh it's not actual insurance it's just a discount plan." She looks at it again and says, "Ok. You're good." with a smile on her face. Me, slightly confused, "Sooo, are you just going to send me a bill then?" Still with a big smile on her face, "No, Dr. Kitt says you're good." Yep, Dr. Kitt didn't charge me anything for either appointment! I just told him thank you so much on the way out and I plan on sending him a thank you card. What else can I do? I know people say to just accept these things with graciousness but sometimes I'm really in awe of what to say or do. All I know is I/We are so loved in this community. God is surrounding me with all of these wonderful people. THIS is the reason why I have peace. THESE moments tell me that everything is going to be just fine. While I still have sorrow there is much more JOY now. And for that I am so thankful.

Trying to bloom

Ok so as you can see I love the phrase "bloom where you are planted". I remember it so well from the movie Facing The Giants. (if you have yet to see this movie, rent it NOW) It really comes from the parable of two farmers. Both farmers desperately needed rain to save their crops. One farmer prepared his field for the rain, and the other did not. One prepared his field trusting that God would send the rain when He was ready. The question is: which farmer are you? Are you preparing your fields to receive the rain? We serve a God that opens doors that no one can shut. He shuts doors where no one can open. In Revelations 3, God said, "I have placed for you an open door that no one can shut. I know you dont have much strength yet you have kept my word and did not deny my name."

God is not through with you. Until He is to move you, you are to bloom where you are planted. So it doesn't matter where we are in life. Some of us may be at the end of our rope and some may be on top of the world. Either place, you are meant to be right there. So start bloomin' people! :)

What's in a name?

So I really don't like the name of this blog and am currently feeling a lot of pressure to come up with something really clever and meaningful. Off to think....

There IS Life after death

I'm joining this blogging community only because I keep telling myself I need to write these things down. I need to write down these wonderful things that are happening and the chain of events surrounding my life and typing is so much easier and faster than that old school pen and paper. :) So...... this will probably be a complete mish mosh of thoughts for a while.

It's amazing how God can carry you through rough times. I feel His love holding me and giving me that peace that says everything will be ok. I can't explain the peace I feel. That even in the midst of this tough time, I still feel amazingly happy. I can't explain it. I've since learned that's something only God can give you. I was being questioned by several people, even though it had only been 6 weeks since Mark died. Why I hadn't gotten a job, what was I going to do, where was I going to live?? I was feeling all this pressure from others around me. You know....I just felt....OK. Things were going to be OK. God was telling me....it's ok. Things will work out, don't worry. A few days later, I had a job handed to me. Not just any job mind you. EXACTLY what I had prayed for. The money, the flexibility, EVERYTHING. And really, I'm told, we were both an answer to one anothers prayers.

No one tells you how to grieve. What I've learned is there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If i'm feeling happy, that's ok. If I feel shitty, that's ok too. If I'm pissed at God, that's just dandy. There is no "normal". I guess it's ok that I feel my husband hasn't been "here" since BEFORE November '08. It's ok that I'm happy buying whatever toothpaste I want without having to worry if it's what the other person likes. Weird? Yes. Okay? Yes. No one can tell you when is the right time to date, move somewhere new, because really.....there is no "right" time. Either way you go it's either going to be too soon or you've been wallowing in your sorrows for too long. I loved Mark with all my heart but.... as much as I'm trying to grieve, at the same time I'm trying to move on. I know that he's with the Lord and I'm ok with that. I know that I will be ok, it's the boys I worry about. Nolan asked me the other day if I was going to get another husband. As if it's something I could pick up at Walgreens later today. I told him......well.... maybe someday. Yet, I hope I do. I know how much these boys need that male influence in their lives. I am so, so blessed with the people I have in my life. I have MANY people in my church, my friends, my life.... offering amd WANTING to be with my precious boys. Thank you God for these wonderful male role models in my boys lives. So really, nothing is normal. No timeline...nothing. It's all just.....figure it out as you go.

Molly, You have been so great to me. You love our family with no expectations. I love your family so much and am so thankful for you. My boys love Kelly and your kids with every fiber of their being. I don't know where I'd be without you in my life. You truly are an angel to me. A well-oiled machined angel at that! ;)

Bethel Bible, I was led to your church for a reason and am so so thankful for the love, the friendship, the guidance, the meals, EVERYTHING you have so humbly and graciously given me. THANK YOU. I love my church. YOU are my family.

I guess I should sign off now seeing as it's almost 1AM. Love to all of you.