I'm joining this blogging community only because I keep telling myself I need to write these things down. I need to write down these wonderful things that are happening and the chain of events surrounding my life and typing is so much easier and faster than that old school pen and paper. :) So...... this will probably be a complete mish mosh of thoughts for a while.
It's amazing how God can carry you through rough times. I feel His love holding me and giving me that peace that says everything will be ok. I can't explain the peace I feel. That even in the midst of this tough time, I still feel amazingly happy. I can't explain it. I've since learned that's something only God can give you. I was being questioned by several people, even though it had only been 6 weeks since Mark died. Why I hadn't gotten a job, what was I going to do, where was I going to live?? I was feeling all this pressure from others around me. You know....I just felt....OK. Things were going to be OK. God was telling me....it's ok. Things will work out, don't worry. A few days later, I had a job handed to me. Not just any job mind you. EXACTLY what I had prayed for. The money, the flexibility, EVERYTHING. And really, I'm told, we were both an answer to one anothers prayers.
No one tells you how to grieve. What I've learned is there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If i'm feeling happy, that's ok. If I feel shitty, that's ok too. If I'm pissed at God, that's just dandy. There is no "normal". I guess it's ok that I feel my husband hasn't been "here" since BEFORE November '08. It's ok that I'm happy buying whatever toothpaste I want without having to worry if it's what the other person likes. Weird? Yes. Okay? Yes. No one can tell you when is the right time to date, move somewhere new, because really.....there is no "right" time. Either way you go it's either going to be too soon or you've been wallowing in your sorrows for too long. I loved Mark with all my heart but.... as much as I'm trying to grieve, at the same time I'm trying to move on. I know that he's with the Lord and I'm ok with that. I know that I will be ok, it's the boys I worry about. Nolan asked me the other day if I was going to get another husband. As if it's something I could pick up at Walgreens later today. I told him......well.... maybe someday. Yet, I hope I do. I know how much these boys need that male influence in their lives. I am so, so blessed with the people I have in my life. I have MANY people in my church, my friends, my life.... offering amd WANTING to be with my precious boys. Thank you God for these wonderful male role models in my boys lives. So really, nothing is normal. No timeline...nothing. It's all just.....figure it out as you go.
Molly, You have been so great to me. You love our family with no expectations. I love your family so much and am so thankful for you. My boys love Kelly and your kids with every fiber of their being. I don't know where I'd be without you in my life. You truly are an angel to me. A well-oiled machined angel at that! ;)
Bethel Bible, I was led to your church for a reason and am so so thankful for the love, the friendship, the guidance, the meals, EVERYTHING you have so humbly and graciously given me. THANK YOU. I love my church. YOU are my family.
I guess I should sign off now seeing as it's almost 1AM. Love to all of you.
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