Saturday, September 19, 2009

Give us strength

Being a mom is tough. Being a mom of kids that lost their dad, just plain sucks sometimes. I don't have all the answers. I wish i did. I wish I knew what to tell Nolan when he asks, "Why can't God let daddy come back? Why did he have to take MY daddy?" Tonight was full of tears. For both of us. He had stayed the night at his uncle's house whom he adores. Unfortunately he hadn't seen him in months. I knew it was going to be hard to come home. He wants a man in his life full time, not part-time. I just don't have the right answers for him. All I know to do is hold him and tell him it will be ok. He's crying as he says, "mama, when am I gonna have a daddy again?" I don't want to have a pity party and say why me but why THEM? How is this fair? I understand that God will bring someone into my life someday but in the process sometimes I don't know what to say. So I said, "Let's just pray right now." So we did. I prayed God would bring him comfort, that he would wrap his arms around him and show him how much love he has for him and that it would be ok. Bring him peace Lord, please. We prayed for a few minutes and we started talking a bit. Then Nolan said, "mama, can you pray again please?" I just want to squish him sometimes. He's got such a good, sweet heart. I hope God gives that sweet heart of his some comfort through the tears.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Long time no post!

I've been meaning to blog but i just haven't. God is ever present in my life and although some things are confusing in my life I always manage to have peace in my heart about everything. God just takes care of us no matter what.

We went to Pine Cove for a week and had a fabulous time! It was so much fun! Well I wont lie, the first day by the time i got all the kids in the cabin and tried to get them ready for bed I wanted to go home. Actually I believe i said outloud, "well....i'm ready to go home." As the kids were screaming bloody murder in the 10x10 room. It was a lot at first. The twins were clingy, always wanting me to hold them both, and at 3 years old and 30 pounds each it gets tiring. As a result I have really toned arms! ;) The twins went to their own thing during certain ours of the day and Nolan went to his age group during that time. The parents got to listen to Dr. Tim Kimmel who was our guest speaker who was fabulous. After the first half of the first day, I went up to him to ask him a few things and after he started responding to my question, I started crying. I was overwhelmed with the thought of trying to raise 3 boys into good Christian men, on my own. Sweet Dr. Kimmel then asked for Dutch to get me all 3 of his books from the camp store and handed them to me. It was really sweet. Although I'm pretty sure he was thinking this lady needs all the help she can get! He then talked to me again after the session, as did his wife and told me that I wouldn't have to raise them alone for long because I wouldn't be single for a long period of time. See? Such a thoughtful man, possibly delusional however. ;) The last day was great. I got to go on a wonderful morning bike ride, zipline (tried to convince Nolan, he did make it to the top, however he was not voluntarily going over the ledge), and do some slingshot swing thingamajig, went horseback riding (my butt was sore for DAYS). That night was carnival night and we ran into a few of the Young Guns! It was so nice to have them meet the boys. Nolan was thrilled and they were so sweet with my guys. Later that evening Dutch (head of camp) came up to me and asked how our week went. I was honest, told him i was so overwhelmed the first few days but we ended up having a fabulous time and made some great friends. He then replied, "Well, I'm glad you had fun because a family anonymously donated and already paid your way to come back next year." At this point my eyes filled up with tears. Pine Cove is such a wonderful place where the counselors are on fire for the Lord, they absolutely love the kids, and love their job serving there. It was a very humbling experience. It was awesome to be able sit in a hammock in quiet and pray and enjoy God's beauty there. Thank you God for the wonderful people there and to generous family that donated to pay our way next year. We can't wait to go back and see our friends again!

The twins have been coming into my bed almost every night. This has resulted in me sleeping even LESS than i already have been. Due to my own laziness of not wanting to deal with the fits that will ensue I've just put up with it up to this point. I wouldn't mind them being in my bed except that Brody has to have his elbows, legs, face..oh right his entire body must be touching me AND sharing my tiny pillow. So as of a few days ago I ordered them big boy twin beds. Because once they get their new beds they are going to stay in their beds ALLLL NIGHT! That's the "plan" anyway. Plan B is to turn the doorknob around so they are locked in all night! Oh yeah....that's happening.

I am off to bed. I will try to write more and...soon. Love to you all. God bless.